I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
