im gay
i know
yea but for you.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
