so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
