So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
