Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize