I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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