what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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