Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
