just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
