Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
