I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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