we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
