Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
