those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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