so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize