I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
