Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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