dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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