Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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