Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
