Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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