i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
