At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
