Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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