I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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