Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
