I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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