Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
