I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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