i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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