We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
