I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
