Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
