He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
