Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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