I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
