Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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