The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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