that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
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