I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
