i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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