So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
