never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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