How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
