I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
