mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
