if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
