Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
