I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
