Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
