And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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