made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
