I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
false alarm, still single
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
