It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
