Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I faked an abortion last night.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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