From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you didnt know i had herpes?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
