dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
