So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
