I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
