So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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