I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Im part way to drunk.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
