she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You've changed since you got that strap on
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
