I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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